


Shadows of the Past

by InsaneNerdGirl



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV)
Genre: Coulvary - Freeform, F/M, Gen, May centric, Philinda - Freeform, Philinda will mostly be in the later chapters, So a Skye&Coulson scene snuck it's way into chapter 2, What Happened in Bahrain, and surprise surprise i still suck at titles, brief mention of Victoria Hand, only romantic if you squint, so i had to change my tags a bit
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-10
Updated: 2014-06-24
Packaged: 2018-02-04 03:14:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,378
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1763839
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/InsaneNerdGirl/pseuds/InsaneNerdGirl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>May comes face to face with the very thing that destroyed her at Bahrain, and secrets are revealed</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So this came about when i was theorizing about how season 2 is going to go and what i think/hope will happen.  
> The i decided it was just too good of an idea for it not to, at the very least, be a fanfic!
> 
> Also many thanks to Nolla Banana for all of her help, including helping me write May's reaction to being triggered as realistically as possible.
> 
> Leave Kudos/comments and let me know how i did

May gestured towards Trip, silently telling him to cover her. He nodded and lifted his gun as she crept forward. Coulson’s voice buzzed in her ear-comm. “Be careful, May. We don’t know why they took Skye… and we don’t want to risk losing you two too!”

May mentally rolled her eyes. She couldn’t answer without risking being heard, but she knew what was at stake, and he knew she knew. She slowly crept along the hallway, her gun ready in her hands. Carefully she tried the nob of the first door. It opened at her touch. She peered in, but their missing team-member was not inside.

Voices sounded from farther down the hall. She recognized one of them: it sounded like Edison Po. _“I thought Coulson said he was dead,”_ she thought as she crept closer, but there was no mistaking that soft voice. She pressed her ear against the rough wooden door and listened.

“…and you have to believe me, Skye.” Po was concluding.

Either he was practicing a speech to give to Skye, or she was in there. The former was unlikely. May motioned for Trip to join her and he followed her down the hallway, gun still at the ready.

When the two were situated May kicked down the door. As they rushed in, her heart stopped in her chest, and for an instant she forgot how to breathe. Skye was in there, seated in a chair, her back towards the door. But although the man speaking to her may have sounded like Po, his face was the one that haunted May’s worst nightmares.

 

_The radio crackled and Coulson tried to adjust the setting. “Could you repeat that, sir?” he asked. “I said the…” muffled crackling drowned out his words “… trap! Be careful when… Do you copy?”_

_“Copy, sir,” May answered. She shrugged at Coulson’s questioning look. “There’s a trap. Be careful. How hard is that to decipher?”_

_Coulson frowned and smoothed down the front of his suit. “Well just be extra careful in there, May. She smirked playfully as she adjusted a strap on her combat gear. “When am I not?”_

_She slipped out of the van and through the grove of trees that was hiding it from the sight of the target location. A warm breeze blew past as she made her way towards the building, her path only lit by the stars above her. If the information SHIELD had provided was correct, her path of entry should be fairly simple. The wall around the encampment was unguarded, and only two guards stood at each checkpoint between her and the probable location of the hostages, who undoubtedly had guards watching over them, but not too many for her to take care of. May held back a smile as she crept along. This was the sort of mission she loved doing._

May swallowed back her wave of panic, as Skye jumped from her chair in surprise. “Hello, Agent May” Po… or whoever and whatever this creature was, said with a smile. “How long has it been? Eight years? Nine? I’ve lost count.”

May let out a yell and ran forward, gun dropping from her trembling fingers. “Go!” she shouted at Skye as she tackled Po to the ground. She had to take him out; she had to take him out and keep her team safe from him. She punched at him, but he blocked it and wrapped cold sticky fingers around her wrist.

She remembered the touch of those cool fingers.

She let out a snarl and twisted her wrist out of his grasp, simultaneously punching at him with a left jab. His legs curled up beneath her and he threw her off of him, and then leapt to his feet. The two circled each other; a tigress and a wolf; each searching for an opening.

May’s heart was pounding as unwanted memories poured through her mind. She forced them back, desperately focusing on the creature before her. He laughed, a laugh that had haunted her for eight years, and she fought down a wave of emotions.

“May, let’s go!” Trip’s voice broke through the fire in her brain. She glanced towards him; Skye was standing beside him, watching May and Po with an expression of relief and terror. Po saw the opening and rushed at her, leaping higher and farther than humanly possible. Before she had a chance to react, his foot smashed into her chest as his hands wrapped themselves in her hair, his momentum pulling her backwards, and he smashed her head into the hard floor. Bile rose to her mouth and she twisted out of his grasp, struggling to her feet. A wave of dizziness swept over her and she felt blood drip down the back of her neck. He was on her in a moment, icy fingers wrapped around her throat.

An animalistic smile crossed her face. He had gotten too close.

Even as she struggled to pull apart his grasp with her hands, she kicked her leg out and swept his feet from under him. He fell to his knees, but the vice-like grip around her throat did not cease, as he merely pulled her down with him.

And then Triplett was there, gun pointed at the small of Po’s neck. “Let her go,” he said softly.

The pressure around her neck stopped, and May stumbled back, coughing and panting heavily. She stepped into a defensive posture as she tried to calm her racing heart.

A smile crossed Po’s face. In an instant he whirled and grabbed Trip’s gun right out of his hands, then rushed to the window. As he smashed through it a gunshot rang, and Po let out a yelp; a splash of blood spattering the windowsill as he jumped out.

Skye lowered her gun and rushed forward as May attempted to jump out the window after her captor. “May, stop” Trip said, gently, having already held her back. May was trembling, her hands balled into fists, and she flinched when Skye touched her arm. “Are you okay?” Skye asked her mentor. When no answer was forthcoming, she peered out the window, but her captor was long gone. “What _was_ that?

 

 _May peeked around a corner, counting the number of people guarding the hostages. There were twelve of them, and they each carried a gun. The twenty SHIELD hostages all had their hands and feet tied, but there was no sign of the civilian girl… the reported first hostage._ “Great” _she thought sarcastically._ “I should have known this couldn’t have been that easy.” _But regardless of how easy or hard it was, she had to get these people out._

_She took a deep breath and stepped into the room, a pair of pistols in her hands. She managed to kill four of the guards before the rest had a chance to react. A shot rang out and she jumped to the side, barely dodging a bullet, and sent a flying kick into the face of one of the guards. In the same fluid motion, she grabbed the wrist of another of the guards as he shot at her, shooting down another man, before slamming him into the floor, knocking him out. A fiery pain flew through her thigh as a bullet grazed her. She whirled towards the shooter, and swung her legs at him, flipping him over with her thighs. As her feet touched the ground again, she ducked under the butt of the rifle that another man was swinging towards her then yelled in pain as she felt a bullet enter her side. The distraction was all the final four guards needed to jump her and bowl her over._

_One of them managed to snap a manacle over one wrist before she kicked him away. Another pulled a knife on her but she grabbed his wrist with both hands and twisted until she felt it crack. He shrieked and the knife dropped into her waiting hands. She leapt to her feet, throwing the knife into the chest of one of the guards, just as he fired at her. She snarled as a third bullet hit her, in the arm this time, before using one of the last two rifles to cartwheel herself towards another guard, knocking him to the ground, and then whirling and shooting the final guard._

_She took a deep breath and winced as she put her hand over the bullet wound in her side, before rushing to the hostages, pulling the knife out of the chest of the guard as she went. “The civilian girl…” she asked, as she cut them free, “have any of you seen her?”_

_The first hostage, her hair was streaked with red and she wore glasses, nodded her head. “She was here, but the… creature… that took us, he took her away._

_May gritted her teeth in annoyance and assessed the agents she had just untied. They all looked exhausted… too exhausted to be anything more than a hindrance as she searched for the girl._

_She handed a gun to the first agent she had cut loose. “Take them out that way,” she said, pointing towards the door she had entered in. “Go down and follow the trail of bodies. There’s a climbing rope by the window._

_The agent nodded. “The girl,” she said, “She’s wearing a flower dress. And a niqab. May nodded her thanks and dashed out of the room._

 

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry i took so long to update! i had this pretty well worked out and then i kinda sorta lost all of it and had to redo EVERYTHING!
> 
> And again, many thanks to my dear Nut, Nolla Banana, for being tireless in helping me with this/helping me make sure that May's reaction to being triggered is accurate and not too emotional.
> 
> Please leave kudos/comments and let me know how i did! <3

Skye was panting as she glanced out the window after her captor. “What _was_ that?” she asked nervously. _“And what am I?”_

She looked towards May again. The older woman had wrenched herself from Trip, and was now standing rigid; her fists clenched, and her eyes… Skye didn’t want to think about the expression in her eyes.

“Agent May,” Trip said gently. “Are you all right?”

May didn’t respond.

Skye swallowed hard, she had never seen May like this before. Had she overheard what had been said to her? Is that what was wrong?

 “Let me look at your head…” Trip said. “He slammed it against the floor pretty hard.”

She flinched away from his outstretched hands. “I’m fine.”

“May… you probably have a concussion. Let me…”

“I said,” she repeated, “I’m fine.” She took a breath, and Skye could see her visibly trying to keep her emotions at bay. “We need to get out of here.”

Trip and Skye exchanged a worried glance before following her from the room.

 

 

Coulson stared at Trip in disbelief. “Say that again?” he asked.

May, Trip, and Skye had returned to The Playground, but when Trip and Skye had gone to report to Coulson, May had disappeared somewhere else, still refusing any help from either of them.

Trip shrugged. “He, or it, looked almost reptilian, sir; and had pointed ears. And the way it moved… it’s obviously not human.” He hesitated. “Sir… May had a very strange reaction to it. When she saw it she dropped her gun and attacked it with her bare hands.”

“What?” Coulson asked, surprised.

“She wouldn’t even let us touch her after it jumped out the window,” Skye added. “She flinched away from us.”

“Have you heard of creatures like this before, sir?” Trip asked.

Coulson sighed and crossed his arms over his chest, eyes darkening as he thought of the Guest House inhabitant. “No I haven’t, but there are a lot of things about SHIELD I didn’t know about.”

After a moment, he turned to Skye. “Do you know what it wanted from you?” he asked.

She hesitated and glanced towards Trip. He frowned slightly, and then nodded; understanding in his dark eyes. “If you don’t need me anymore, sir,” he said, addressing Coulson, “I would like to go check on Simmons.”

Coulson nodded. “Thank you, Trip.”

Trip nodded and patted Skye’s shoulder as he walked out.

“What is it?” Coulson asked, after the other agent had left his office.

Skye’s eyes filled with tears and she refused to meet his gaze. “It was Po, Coulson… Edison Po.”

Coulson stepped back, leaning against his desk, suddenly needing the support. “That’s not possible, Skye.” He said. “You read my report, I know you did. He’s dead. I saw him die.”

She looked down at her hands. “I don’t know… but it was him. The phone… whatever you saw… whatever it did to him… it must have only injured him. He’s still alive.”

Coulson shook his head in disbelief, fighting back the memory of what Po had done to him. “And…” he said at last, “how is Po the strange reptilian person that Trip saw?”

Skye looked up at him, her dark eyes pleading. “He… he said he was my father.” She whispered brokenly. “He said all those things he did to you… it was a means to an end… to find _me_.” She looked away again, tears falling down her cheeks.

Coulson reached out and gently placed a comforting hand on her shoulder. “It’s okay Skye.” He said quietly. “It’s not your fault.”

She shook her head. “I couldn’t believe it… I _won’t_ believe it. My father can’t have been the one to do that to you.”

Coulson put one hand under her chin, gently forcing her to look at him. “Skye, look at me.”

She turned her tear-stained face towards him, her lower lip trembling.

“It doesn’t matter who did that to me. It doesn’t matter why they did it to me. _You_ saved me from that.”

She nodded and cast her eyes down, but he could still see the guilt gnawing at her. Reaching out, he wiped a tear from the corner of her eye, giving her the time she needed.

 After another moment, she continued. “He told me that… that he has a special power… something that I might have inherited from him. I asked him what it was and he turned into that… _thing_ that Trip was talking about. He told me he could teach me how to do that… that it was only my other half, whatever he meant by that, prevented it from being something I could learn naturally…”

Coulson drew in a breath at that, and his eyes filled with concern.

“He told me that now that he’d found me he could… take me places. Told me to trust him… and then May and Trip came and rescued me.”

She frowned. “May was so… odd. She would have jumped out of a four story window if Trip hadn’t stopped her. She scared me in there.” She looked up at him again. “I think you should go talk to her, find out what’s wrong. Make sure it’s not…” she bit her lip.

“Whatever was bothering May, it’s not because she overheard what he said to you.” Coulson told her vehemently.

Skye nodded. “But I still think you need to talk to her… find out what _is_ wrong.”

_He looked at his viewscreen, watching as the SHIELD agent made her way down the hall, gun at the ready. “She’s searching for you,” he told the girl at his side._

_She looked up into his face, large eyes full of adoration. “But you won’t let her find me,” she answered, confidently._

_“She will fail.”_

_“Doesn’t it all depend on what she finds as she searches?”_

_There was a pause as the two watched the black haired woman made her way through the building, systematically searching every room._

_“She has already found it.” He laid his hand on the girl’s arm. “You know what to do.”_

_Raina smoothed down the front of her dress as she peeked into the room. The SHIELD agent was looking at the Project with shock and horror. Her mouth curled in a sympathetic smile. She didn’t envy the punishment the agent would have to face for seeing it._

_Carefully, so as not to make a sound, she walked to the end of the hallway, ruefully pulling her niqab awry as she pulled out a gun. She had to make this realistic after all._

_Letting out a shriek of fear she started running as quickly as she could, firing her gun at some imagined assailant behind her._

_May whirled, startled out of her horrified reverie, as she heard a scream, followed by frantic gunfire._ The girl! _She rushed out the door, running in the direction of the scream, gun drawn and ready._

_Soon the sound of frantic sobbing met her ears, and as she turned a corner she finally saw a girl in a flower dress. She was huddled against the wall crying; her niqab awry and a gun tossed at her feet. She looked to be in her teens, as far as May could tell._

_She approached her quietly, placing down her gun and raising both hands when the girl startled at her presence. “It's okay…” she said gently. “I’m here to help you.”_

_The girl raised large doe-eyes up at her. “Who are you?” she asked tremulously._

_May knelt beside her. “I’m Agent May with SHIELD,” she answered, trying to keep the urgency out of her voice. “I’m here to rescue you.”_

_The girl smiled, May could see her lips moving through her niqab. “Oh thank you very much,” she said sweetly, “but I don’t need rescuing.”_

_May frowned, slightly taken aback. “Don’t you want to get out of here; get home?”_

_The girl shook her head. “No, of course not. This_ is _my home.”_

 _May got to her feet, reaching for her gun. What had they done to her that she_ wanted _to be here. “Why were you crying, then?” she asked._

_“Because I am very sad about what they are going to do to you.” The large eyes were burning with a strange intensity now._

_May stepped back a pace, Fury’s message whirling in her mind: ‘Trap’. “Who are you?” she demanded._

_“She’s a distraction,” came a voice from behind her, and before she could whirl to meet this new threat something heavy crashed down on her and she fell into darkness._

 

May punched at the bag hanging in front of her, trying her best to swallow down her fear, trying to drown out the resurging memories of what had happened that day.

Left

Right

Right

Left

She followed a pattern.

Left

Right

Right

Left

She clenched her fists harder to stop them from trembling.

Left

Right

Right

Left

She felt the skin on the knuckles of her left hand break. She hadn’t bothered wrapping her hands, but she didn’t mind. The pain helped.

Left

Right

Right

Left

She couldn’t breathe. The emotions swelling in her head were choking her, threatening to destroy her.

Left

Right

Right

Left

She fought against the memories; the memories of the torturous pain… the ominous laughter as so much was taken from her; the girl who had been nothing but a trap.

Left

Right

Right

Left

The face that she now recognized as the one who had done it to her haunted her thoughts.

Left

Right

Right

Left

She fought to push it away, to push the memories away.

Left

Right

Right

Left

The punching bag was spattered with blood from her split knuckles, so she focused on that, forcing her brain to ignore the panic that was threatening to overwhelm her.

“May!”

A voice broke in through the pounding in her ears, and a hand rested on her shoulder. With a strangled yell, May grabbed the hand and twisted, throwing whoever had touched her onto the floor.

She looked down at her supposed attacker, her chest heaving.

It was Phil. It was just Phil. He wasn’t a threat.

Deliberately, she turned her back towards him, walking away. She leaned against the wall and wrapped her arms around herself, trying to compose herself, but she could not stop trembling.

She heard Phil get to his feet behind her, but he didn’t reach out to touch her again.

“May… are you all right?”

She couldn’t speak. She couldn’t even turn around.

“What happened?”

Perhaps if she held herself tightly enough she could stop her body from trembling.

“May?” his voice was concerned.

She slid down the wall until she was seated on the floor, suddenly unable to keep herself upright. Phil walked over and sat beside her, offering silent comfort.

“The punching bag isn’t your usual way of working out a problem,” he commented, trying to keep his tone light. “Typically you would be practicing Tai-Chi or meditating, assuming I haven’t entered the room and started talking to you.” He glanced at her, but she still wouldn’t look at him.

“May… whatever happened… whatever you saw or heard when you rescued Skye, you can tell me.”

She remained silent, and Coulson half wondered if she’d even heard him. She had not changed position and her trembling hadn’t slowed. “You don’t have to tell me, though.” He added. “But I’ll listen if you want to talk.”

She was breathing hard, and her eyes were closed tight.

After a moment he inched closer to her until his shoulder brushed against hers. She leaned into his warmth.

“It was him, Phil…” she said at last, voice uncharacteristically tremulous.

“Who?”

“The…” she took a shaky breath. “The man from Bahrain… the gifted individual; it was him. I’d forgotten… but when I saw him again…” a bitter laugh escaped her. “I’ve had nightmares about him… I just never realized…” she couldn’t continue.

Coulson’s heart stopped dead in his chest. “But… he… I…” he stuttered, not quite sure what to say. He looked at her, sitting beside him, still trembling from the shock she had just experienced. “Are you okay?” he asked her.

She bit her lip, shaking her head.

His heart broke for her… she didn’t deserve to have this happen to her again. Gently he put his arms around her and brought her closer, holding her against his chest. She didn’t fight him, seeming to welcome his touch.

 “It’s okay, May…” he whispered into her hair as she convulsively clutched his jacket. “It’s going to be okay.”

 

He held her until the trembling quieted and an exhausted sleep finally overtook her, but her body did not relax. Even in sleep, her face was troubled and her body tense.

He lifted her carefully in his arms, hoping he wouldn’t wake her, and carried her to her bunk. Gently, he laid her down, and pulled her boots off before covering her with a blanket; then pulled up a chair and sat beside her. He wouldn’t leave her, not now.

He reached out and gently stroked her brow, hoping to calm the troubled expression. “What did that monster do to you?” he whispered to her sleeping form. “What is it that you can’t tell me?”

 

 


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And here's the final chapter to my first attempt into delving into a multi-chapter fanfic!  
> This was really fun, and i hope you all enjoy it!
> 
> Also many thanks to my dear Nolla the Banana Nut Crab... for being 100% infuriating in her ability to find everything wrong with this fanfic (and making me fix it) as well as for helping me make sure that the way i wrote May being triggered wasn't OOC or overly emotional.
> 
> Please leave kudos/comments and let me know how i did.  
> Thank you all so much for reading! <3

May awoke from her troubled dreams with a start, covered in sweat. She sat straight up and looked around her, feeling like a cornered animal.

Feeling a hand grasping her own, she glanced down. Phil was asleep in a chair beside her, holding one of her hands between his, just as he’d done all those years ago.

Her mouth softened as she looked at him, but no smile crossed her features as she gently tried to tug her hand free.

At her movement, he stirred and opened his eyes. She should have known she couldn’t get out of his grasp without waking him up. It hadn’t been possible then, and it wasn’t now.

She turned away from him as he sat up.

“Good morning,” he said gently.

She ignored his greeting and tried to get to her feet, but winced slightly and fell back again. Po had slammed her into the ground harder than she’d thought.

“Melinda?” he asked, having noted her attempt to rise.

She couldn’t bring herself to answer, but didn’t attempt to stand again. Phil would figure it out.

“How badly were you hurt yesterday?!” he demanded, examining her bruised and bloody hands. When she still didn’t answer he gently examined as much of her as he decently could. She heard his sharp intake of breath as he saw the dark bruises on her back, and the trickle of blood from her head wound.

“Oh May…” he whispered softly, sadly.

She looked at him and his heart broke. Her eyes were devastated… pleading… but at least they weren’t empty; at least they weren’t like they were at Bahrain.

“Let me help you,” he whispered.

 

_When May awoke she was strapped down to a strange machine. She struggled against the straps, but it was useless. She was bound fast._

_The room she was in was dimly lit from the light emanating from the device she was strapped down to, but all she could see were the vague shapes of other machines stored here; and there was nothing within reach that would aid her in getting out of her current position._

_Arching her neck she examined the machine as well as she could. It was like a long narrow table, and at the end, curving over her head, was an arch; perhaps a foot wide. A maze of wires criss-crossed back and forth, and wide power couplings streamed away from the machine and plugged into a nearby wall. The machine itself was making a low humming noise._

_She swallowed hard, not liking her situation one bit._

_“Oh!” the voice of the civilian girl drifted towards her. “You’re awake.”_

_May turned her head. Somehow, the girl had managed to walk up to the machine without her noticing, and behind her there stood… something._

_He, if it was a he, was humanoid in appearance, but his skin was green and scaly, and he had large pointed ears. May studied him, committing him to memory._

_“What do you want?” she asked at last, when it became obvious that neither one of them planned on speaking first._

_The girl’s eyes grew large and soft, and she looked adoringly up at the creature behind her. “Well we_ wanted _to get people to follow him… to listen to his teachings, just as I have.” A sad sigh escaped. “But nobody seems to understand him like I do.”_

_May frowned. Was the girl insane?_

_She struggled against her bonds again, ignoring the pain that flared up from her gunshot wounds; particularly the one in her side._

_“Now, now… don’t struggle” the girl said, placing a comforting hand on May’s arm. May shot a dark glare at her, but the girl was unfazed._

_“You saw the Project, you know…” she told her affectionately, “But don’t worry, that isn’t going to be a problem.”_

_The creature behind the girl placed a long-fingered hand on her shoulder, and she gave May one last affectionate pat before backing away. “He’ll be done with you soon,” she promised._

_May’s heart was pounding painfully in her chest. What did this machine even do? What was this creature going to do to her?_

_The girl walked gracefully away, and May instantly wished her back. Her presence, however insane she might be, was preferable to the ominous monster now looming over her._

_Cold clammy fingers wrapped around her wrist, and she shuddered. “Now, Agent…” the creature said in a deep raspy voice. “I must teach you why you should never interfere.” His other hand stroked her face; the icy fingers mocking what could, from a friend, be a comforting gesture. She clenched her jaw, staring straight above her, trying to bite down the fear crawling up her spine._

_“You won’t be able to stop me from helping people.” She said through clenched teeth. “I will_ always _interfere to stop you and others like you from harming innocent people.”_

_He smiled at her, lips parting to show long sharp teeth, and his hand moved down her face and caressed her throat. She shuddered at the touch._

_“That is only what you think,” he replied._

_After a moment longer it released her, and began pushing buttons on a keypad that was on the other side of the arch over her head. The machine whirred to life, and as it did so she involuntarily arched her body and let out a scream as agonizing pain assaulted her senses._

 

Phil gently wrapped gauze around May’s bruised hands, applying a healing salve both to her knuckles and to her palms, where she had dug her nails deep into the soft flesh.

She winced slightly as he applied pressure, and he looked up regretfully. “I’m sorry, May… I should have thought to do this while you were asleep.”

She shook her head. “No… it’s fine.” She looked down, fighting back the memories that her encounter with Po had triggered.

“Are you going to be all right?” he asked.

She shook her head. “No… I’m never going to be all right. What he did to me… I’ll never be free from that.”

Coulson swallowed and nodded. He wanted to ask… needed to know what had been done to her; needed to help her, but he knew she would only tell him when she felt ready. So instead, he brought one bandaged hand up to his lips and kissed the tips of her fingers, a comforting smile on his lips. She looked at him, her face soft, although her eyes still radiated pain.

“I can’t remember…” she finally said, answering the question that he had held close to his heart for eight years.

“What?”

“I can’t remember what happened in Bahrain.” She closed her eyes losing herself in what memories she did have, a single tear leaking from the corner of her eye. She felt him brush it away gently, and she leaned into his touch, taking comfort in it.

“I remember going in and getting those agents out… but I went looking for the girl, the civilian…”

Coulson nodded, heart clenching. After they had returned, May more dead than alive, Fury had informed him that the girl had been nothing but a trap… or bait… they weren’t sure which.

May had been silent when she heard that, but the pain in her expression spoke a thousand words.

“I… there was something I saw… or maybe something I did… something they didn’t want me to.” She swallowed convulsively, and he squeezed her hand tightly, offering a silent reminder that this was the here and now… and she was safe.

“The gifted individual… he caught me, he and the girl did. They tortured the memory out of me; using the same machine he used on you. They even tortured his face out of my memory… but when I saw it today it came back to me…”

Coulson drew in a sharp intake of breath. The machine had been torturous enough when all they wanted was to make him remember… he couldn’t imagine the agony May must have gone through if they used it to make her forget.

May was breathing hard, fighting to keep her emotions in check. “I wanted to die, Phil… it was agony like nothing…” she stopped midsentence.

“I couldn’t remain conscious for long…” she said after a moment. “But that pain was still part of my subconscious. And he laughed… he laughed at my screams… laughed as I begged him to stop” she swallowed and shook her head, as if trying to shake away the memory.

“And when I woke up… you were there.”

Phil nodded. When hours had passed since May had gotten the SHIELD agents out without her reappearing, he had called in backup. Garrett had come, and the two went searching for May. They’d found her unconscious on the floor, arms and legs bound together, blood pouring out of her ears, but no sign of the gifted individual or the girl… or the machine.

She had woken up screaming, begging some invisible foe to stop, nearly breaking Coulson’s arm when he had tried to calm her.

“I don’t know if I can do it again, Phil…” May said, opening her eyes and looking at him again, tearing him from his reverie. “If we see him again, I’m not sure I’ll be able to face him.”

“You won’t have to,” Phil promised, cupping her face in his hands. She studied his face, as if looking for a lie in his eyes. “I promise; you will never have to.” Gently, he leaned their foreheads together and she closed her eyes again, accepting his words; but they both knew it was an empty promise.

 

_It didn’t take May long to physically recover from the incident. The bullet wounds in her thigh and arm were superficial, and even the side wound was more painful than damaging. She was soon out in the field again, but gone was the fun-loving Melinda May who would take down friend and foe alike with a smile dancing around the corners of her lips._

_Now she was cold… cold and calculating. There was no light left in her eyes, no pleasure taken in the lives she saved._

_She refused to team up with anybody anymore, saying that partners would do nothing but get in her way, and she always took the most dangerous missions she could; missions that were nearly suicidal, missions that no group of people should have been able to pull off, much less one person._

_Her reputation grew, and with it a nickname she grew to hate, for it was nothing but a reminder of what she’d lost: The Cavalry. Even she heard the whispers that spread throughout SHIELD, how The Cavalry always came right in the nick of time… right when all hope had failed. If you were in desperate situations, The Cavalry would always come. Rumors that The Cavalry was really the result of SHIELD experimenting with Dr. Erskine’s super soldier serum… for no mere human could do what she did._

_She ignored the rumors, but her gut clenched within her whenever someone dared say that name to her face._

_Phil tried to stay in touch… calling her as often as he could, showing up at Mission Briefings he knew she would be at, but she just couldn’t accept his help._

_They had been so close… she couldn’t bear to see the hurt in his eyes every time he looked at her when he thought she wouldn’t notice… and so she had pushed him away._

_And then she went on the mission that she nearly didn’t escape. She had completed the mission, but had taken a barrage of bullets on her way out._

_When she woke up in the hospital, Coulson was sitting beside her, her hand clasped between his, fast asleep. She tried to pull her hand away, but the movement only woke him._

_“Melinda,” he said, relieved._

_She turned away from him, but he was having none of it._

_“Melinda… you have to stop pushing me away,” he said earnestly, gently turning her face so that she would look at him. “You’re my best friend, and even if I can’t help you in any way, I want to try.”_

_She swallowed down the lump in her throat, and answered him for the first time in two years. “I just don’t want to hurt you, Phil.”_

_He shook his head. “You’ve got it backwards, May… it’s not about you hurting me or not hurting me, it’s about you letting me help you, if I can. It’s about letting me share what little of your burden that I can.”_

_She hadn’t cried in years… not since that first night after Bahrain, but she felt her eyes filling with tears at his words._

_“It’s been hell,” she finally admitted to him. “I can’t sleep… all there is is blood and screams and loss.”_

_“You know…” Phil said, gently retaking her hand in his own. “I once had a friend, a very dear friend, named Melinda.”_

_May looked at him, confused, but didn’t say anything; just listened._

_“All Melinda wanted was to be the best in her field. She loved what she did… sure she didn’t enjoy killing or hurting people… but she loved being able to go in and save people. She loved being a hero; loved the looks of relief and joy she saw in the faces of the people she saved.”_

_May blinked back her tears, wishing she could still be that person, not just the empty shell that had been left behind._

_Phil’s grip on her hand tightened when he saw her reaction. “That friend is gone now…” he said. “She’s been gone for a while, and all I see now is someone trying desperately to hold onto that person; trying to hold on to the dreams and aspirations of that person; to dreams that aren’t hers anymore, because she thinks if she holds on to that, she can bring that person back.”_

_She laced her fingers with his, trying to hold back the sob that was building in her throat._

_“But you can’t, May… you can’t bring her back.” He continued, gently stroking her hand. “You’re trying to be the person you used to be… trying to bring back that Melinda… and that’s hell. You need to let go of the Melinda you used to be; just let her go, because you’re only destroying yourself by clinging to that life.”_

_A choked sob escaped her throat and finally, she let herself cry. Maybe it was the pain meds that were making her emotional… but for a moment at least, as she let out her tears with Phil holding her hand, she felt at peace._

_Before her current injuries had even healed, she filed for a transfer to Administration. She needed to get out of the field… needed to rethink who Melinda May was now… needed to heal. And maybe, when she’d had time… maybe she would return._

And six years later, she had returned. When Fury had asked her to help Coulson, to put together a team to protect him, she couldn’t refuse. Coulson had given her a new chance on life… how could she not be by his side when he got his own second chance?

She knew she would never be at peace with the demons inside her, or with what had been ripped from her… and yet she was at peace with not being at peace.

And that was who Melinda May was now: The Cavalry, friend, daughter, mentor… but most importantly, she was at peace with her own turmoil.

 

The End

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also, if you all couldn't guess from my description, Po in this fanfic is a Skrull. i really tried to figure out how to get that actual name in the story, but since nobody on the Bus Team knows what he is and he isn't going to go around telling everybody, i had to not include it and hope some of you could guess!
> 
> And again, thank you SO much for reading my fanfic! it was fun! <3

**Author's Note:**

> i know that May has never heard Po's voice, but i decided to just handwave that one so that May could recognize him AS Po as well as recognizing him as... well whatever it is she recognized him as. ;)


End file.
